I just realised i don't fancy evenings much. You see the sun setting, the sky turning dark, the light filling the room diminishing. The day is closing, yet it feels your day has gone by unspent. As if your day has been fast-forwarded to the evening, and then night.

It feels so empty in the night, like there was something i was supposed to do, but did not. An unfulfilled task, a satisfaction i missed, a happiness i forgot to claim. And no matter how hard i try to find, i don't know what it is. Then, going to bed much later than supposed to, lying and thinking hard what is it i'm missing. The silence sometimes being too hard to bear, i fall asleep with music rung in my ears. Then wake up finding my phone batt-less, guilt starts taking its toll.

Been listening to Eyes on Me. Music makes me feel much better. I often find myself being unable to catch up with the world and whatever that is going on outside. But listening to the music makes me feel its okay to be in my own world, okay to be savouring every single delight to my heart's content. The melody, it sounds of my own pace and serenity. Or perhaps isolation.

It doesn't matter to me the things that are always changing outside, i'm happy as i am in my own world. In this small world, together with those who are part of it, i simply cannot ask for more. Except for me to find my place in this world, so that the nights i retire to can be in perfect tranquility.

But till then, i guess i am kinda happy that exams are over and i am free, technically. Cannot wait to be really free!

Ps, we spend too much time of our lives waiting, and waiting

 

Havn't been here in the longest time.

Reading the previous entry, its surprising even to myself how changed i am over the month(s). And come to think of it, we are so oftenly altered that every entry expresses a different quality of ourselves. A newer and  more revised one each time. That being said, i have reasons for this speical mention today. Its a realisation even to myself, but

1) I don't eat fried stuff anymore. Atleast not THAT much. Now I eat Yongtaufoo almost every other day that it kinda freaks me out because i never thought i was someone who could stand eating bland food at all, let alone every day. But yea, no constant craving for Deep Fried Stuff.

2) I don't watch videos at youtube anymore! Which is a big BRAVO for me because that means i'm finally studying. In fact i've stopped using the computer. I forgot how to sign in to MSN even. When in the past i used to wonder why in the world would anyone use the computer but not go online. Now i know. I don't know, at the rate i'm going, i think i'd forget how to on the computer soon. Just kidding btw!

3) I - I KNOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS- but i don't wake up at 12/1 o'clock, anymore. i know, at this point of time you are already suspecting i am not Zoe, right. But you are not alone at all ^.^ Its a really positive change though, surely. I wake up latest at 9, muahahahha. But one thing, i take my time eating breakfast and got stuck watching tv until its 12?!?!?!? OK that is another change i have to make.

4) This is most recent. I leave home really quite early. Really Quite Early. hehehehe what does that mean right. It means i leave home about 15 mins earlier. Never knew the difference it makes, but it really does change my mood for the whole day, not having to rush and rush early in the morning. Zoe finally learns, after almost 6 years of going to school by herself?

OK, as all GP teachers say, this list is by no means exhaustive. heh :D

5) Another one more pending.......... I will go to school by bus from tomorrow onwards! And stop taking the car because its one week left to school and i'll practise my good early habits so i'll not run the risk of being late during A levels. 

 

Ok i don't know why i am talking about all these relatively unimportant stuff when exams are nearing and i'm really really nervous and stressed out. SERIOUSLY, i wish time would just stop, like Xiaofen said. Stop after i finish reading that message. hahahah =/ i am really afraid of not being able to make it, that i would screw things up, that i won't be good enough, that time is running out bla bla bla. i caught a quote on tv mobile that says:

There is only one thing that makes dreams impossible- the fear of failure.

Which i think is so true, but how many people can have such enduring faith that survives all setbacks? Its harder and harder each day, sometimes its just hard to believe you can do it anymore.

Gonna stop here, because whining about it wouldn't in the very least help. So, work hard. Just work hard? ok.

BYE NOW, and PERSEVERE, I GUESS? Not a very motivating thing to read huh. Can't help it but be me! The pessimism changes not, especially in times of such adversity.

Good night then.

 

Compare thy form and my eyes together,
You'll find my love no such great miracle.

(The Duchess of Malfi)

Fell ill with flu and terible sore throat. Skipped school and stayed home all day. Talking about that, i'm highly convinced that this might be the very first time in my life i'm on MC. As far as i can remember, that is, which you might wanna discredit me for. Memory had been getting worse these days. So much that it worries me quite a bit. I don't wanna lose my memory so soon. Not ever.

And i hope to eat real food soon. By that i mean some frying/meat(preferably chicken)/crispy stuff involved. Get what i mean? Heh. Actually i've been craving for Pepperlunch >.< I don't mind my favourite KFC too, had been trying my best to abstain from it, for the longest time believe me. And i've grown to fancy subway too :D Next week.

Anyway, the challenge of A levels only hit me in its entirety last week. When i got back my history papers and saw so many red marks here and there. Seeing my grades, it felt awful. Its a grade a teacher gives a student who didn't study for the paper and only managed to scrape through. But thats not me!

Sometimes i think, it might seem like i have a choice, but no. I can only be undeterred, and persist in striving for better grades. No matter how demoralising it had been for me.

And with As coming, it feels like nothing can work anymore. When the results are still not showing at this point, what do you do? Give up now knowing you'd fail, or go on trying even if you might fail? See what i mean by saying it seems i've got no choice?

And when i could say all the motivational things to others, i myself stay most disillusioned with my abilities to make it.

Atleast, for the better side of the story, i did well for the Lit paper. But i know i still have to put in more effort to finish reading my texts. Two more to go: Great expectations & The Portrait of an artist as a young man. Which are my two most dreaded texts! They are not exactly what i would call exciting. Trust me. Nonetheless, i once again have no choice but to work my way through them. Oh well. Count myself lucky already, that im not doing physics/chem/ h2 maths, because i don't know what i would have become by now if i did. The very thought of it scares me, really.

I'm hoping to meet Xiaofen & Shanshan next week! Miss them already. I miss the 4 of us hanging out tgt, talking crap and fooling around over lunch.

Turning in now, good night.